I’ve had You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy in my TBR pile since May 2020. After nearly eighteen months in the pandemic, the time seemed right to read this book. In the book, Kate Murphy endeavors to help readers become better listeners through curiosity and empathy. However, right off the bat, this book irritated me. I found Murphy’s take extremely neurotypical. Look at the following excerpt describing “bad listening behaviors.”

“Among the most frequently cited bad listening behaviors are:

- Interrupting

- Responding vaguely or illogically to what was just said

- Looking at a phone, watch, around the room, or otherwise away from the speaker

- Fidgeting (tapping on the table, frequently shifting position, clicking a pen, etc.)

If you do these things, Stop.”

The frustrating thing about these traits is that they are widespread traits in neurodivergent individuals, especially those with ADD/ADHD and Autism. I often find that I can’t look directly at the speaker to listen well, or my mind will drift. Looking away is a mechanism I use to help focus my mind on the listener, and it’s the way I actively listen. From the “bad listening behaviors,” I was immediately put off but pushed through anyway.

The one chapter that made You’re Not Listening worthwhile was Chapter 8: Focusing on What’s Important: Listening in the Age of Big Data. This chapter details how qualitative research (focus groups, anecdotal evidence, etc.) is changing to accommodate the fast-paced, attention-demanding world. Complex and nuanced issues are being dumbed down to “good vs. bad.” It’s no surprise we feel lonelier and more divided as a nation and more isolated as individuals from our communities.

I did find a bit of irony in this book about listening because the author includes so much fluff. The reader (aka listener) doesn’t need to know about a cactus-filled landscape in Sedona, AZ if the setting doesn’t relate to the rest of the content. The filler and fluff distracted from the many points she attempted to make. What could have been a 2000 – 3000 word long-form article ballooned in a 200-page book where you have to mine the pages for the gold flakes of wisdom. There are moments of punchy sentences and clear points, but irrelevant anecdotes overshadow them.

Perhaps I’m the one missing the point. Perhaps the author attempts to illustrate that listening requires you to sort through the fluff of conversation to listen just as reading this book requires you to sort through the fluff of words to get to the points. You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters is not a bad book. If you’re interested in improving your listening in conversation, I’d highly recommend Daring Greatly and Dare to Lead, both by Brené Brown.