Are You In A Virtuous or Vicious Communication Cycle?
Have you ever disliked someone just because?
Or, have you ever thought so highly of a person but didn’t know why? You can’t quite identify it, but you know you feel strongly – one way or the other. Our communication determines our interactions and relationships. Body language, expressions, tone, and words help deliver and receive the message. These cues, combined with experience and evidence, help us develop communication cycles. However, we may find ourselves losing objectivity in our interactions.
Vicious Cycles – Wearing Sunglasses At Night
Vicious communication cycles are akin to wearing sunglasses at night: not helpful and most likely dangerous. We might have this happen all the time or may occasionally come up with one or two people. Most of us think we “don’t get along” with someone, or we blame the other person. We say something nebulous: “She’s bossy” or “he’s a jerk” because it’s hard to speak specifically about why we feel negative. Once those thoughts are in our minds, our body language changes, our tones adjust, and our speech reflects the negativity in our minds.
We talk with someone, and something gets off track. Maybe one of you is having a bad day, which affects your interaction. From that, we make an assessment, which leads to self-protection. Emotion and a lack of objectivity often color our evaluation. When we go into self-protection mode, we put up our defenses, which often puts us in a protective state and, thereby, a negative mindset. And the cycle begins again. It’s hard to break a vicious communication cycle because it’s challenging to recognize when you’re in one.
Virtuous Cycles – Seeing the World through Rose-Colored Lenses
Virtuous communication cycles are like seeing the world through rose-colored lenses: good vibes only. It’s easy to think we should strive to have virtuous communication cycles with everyone, but these virtuous communication cycles are sneaky gremlins in workplace culture and on teams.
Generally, humans are positive. We’ll interact with someone and have a great time. We think, “we hit it off” or “we get along” with the other person. We make that assessment quickly and feel encouraged by the happy chemicals in our brains. That promotes goodwill and cheerful emotions, creating a positive mindset going into the next interaction. The trouble with these cycles is the comfort that comes from them. If you’ve ever had an underperformer on your team who is a delightful person, you may find other team members pick up the slack and cover for the underperformer. This type of culture and communication is equally as detrimental to our relationships as a vicious cycle but harder to see.
Objective Cycles – 20/20 Vision
Objective communication cycles are what we should strive for: like seeing the world with clear, 20/20 vision. There is danger in unwittingly falling into either vicious or virtuous cycles. Our behaviors change without a conscious plan. When we are in a vicious cycle, we are unable to find objectivity to coach, lead, and speak effectively. When we’re in a virtuous cycle, we may unintentionally instill a false sense of positivity. In either process, we make assumptions and fail to remain objective, which hinders our ability to improve, coach, and give meaningful feedback.
The goal for communication, no matter if it’s your partner, employer, or client, is to remain objective and compassionate. When we find ourselves so heavily entrenched in either vicious or virtuous cycles, we obscure our objectivity. It keeps us from seeing the real intent behind each interaction. The best way to determine if you are outside your objectivity is to write your reactions after interacting with someone who makes you feel one extreme or the other.
Breaking the Cycle - Taking off the Glasses
Through writing down interactions, you’re often able to separate events, emotions, and outcomes to realize why you feel a certain way. It’s easy to get swept up in positive or negative emotions when dealing with people. And it’s even easier to let those past interactions influence how we feel in future moments. Once you realize what type of communication cycle you’re in, you have new information. You may choose to continue seeing the relationship through rose-colored lenses. You may want to take off your nighttime sunglasses and move from a vicious to a virtuous cycle. You may choose to remove your figurative eyewear entirely and view as many relationships objectively as possible. You’re in charge of your decisions, but the first step is awareness of which cycle dominates each relationship.